Searching for my New Chapter

The more you search for something, it gets harder to find. You devote your time and energy… and it still isn’t enough.

You never know how long searching for a job will take. With my current job, it took about two months.

But this time around, it’s taking a lot longer.

I started my search at around this time last year. I had a turning point at work.

It was a day that kind of… set me over of the edge.

The stress. Workload. Happenings at work. All just got to me and made me realize…

I can’t do this anymore. 

It’s not worth it. It’s one thing if I knew that it was my passion or if it was my dream to be in this industry.

But I knew it wasn’t.

I feel if your heart and soul is devoted to something, whether if it’s a relationship or a even a job, you’d be able to stick it out. You would fight for something/someone if you know the fight will be worth it in the end…

That day made me realize it wasn’t.

I am in this period of my life where I need to be selfish take care of myself.

And that includes my job. The company I am at now, I’ve been with for over 2 and half years. It is my first job and it’s been a roller coaster to say the least. I have been there through a management change, high turnover period, and just stress overload.

I care so much about people that I can let others influence my decision at the end of the day. I am very empathetic and am very conscious of others’ feelings and thoughts…

Which means my feelings can fall on the back burner, fall down the priority list, when in reality, it should be at the top. 

I am over analytical. So you don’t know how many times I have played this situation over and over in my head…

“If I leave, what’s gonna happen?”

“If I leave, the burden is gonna fall on ____”

“If I leave, my obligations at work will go to _____”

I’m always thinking about the outcome of others, but not looking at…

How am I gonna feel at the end of the day? Will I be happier than I am now?

I generally am a happy person, it is very rare that close friends of mine will know something is wrong.

Over these past 2.5 years, I haven’t been the happiest. Not even close. I didn’t even know that was possible.

Work. Sleep. Repeat.

At first, my work was my escape. I was still reeling over a break up when I first got my job. These two worlds had no overlap, so it made it easier for me to get me through it.

But now, I’ve healed in my love life.

But work hasn’t put me in the greatest position, emotionally speaking.

It’s hard for me to break a routine. Getting comfortable and complacent, guilty as charged. 

I vent about issues and problems about work to my mom, but don’t back it up with proactivity.

My coworker has even called me out on it… and she’s right. 

“You’re taking your sweet ass time.”

With my coworker who is getting ready to move to another city, it puts me in a not-so great position, with the potential of working nights again.

I just can’t let that happen.

At the end of the day, I have to decide what’s best for me.

I need to start a new chapter in my life.

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