The World of Confrontation

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Conflicts arise because we’re afraid to fight.

I had an AHA moment once I heard that quote.

I value a harmonious environment and being confrontational has always made me uncomfortable.

As I’ve been in customer service for the past 5 years, I’ve been yelled at countless times. I’ve been able to diffuse some situations successfully, but others not so much. I definitely catch myself freezing up from time to time.

But as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned the importance of being vocal and holding your ground.

If you’re not fighting for it, you’re standing still.

I can’t say EVERY battle is worth fighting for, but if that fight is worth it, you’ll come out the other end stronger.

Coming from someone who’s tendency is to hold everything in, I’m getting a better understanding of being vocal. If you’re not speaking up, there isn’t any cue to the other person that you’re also working to resolve the issue.

There will be times that it will be uncomfortable, but it also provides an opportunity for the issue to be worked out and facilitate growth.


Relationships: The Balancing Act of Love

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You can grow within relationships. You can grow outside of relationships.

For me, a lot of growth occurred outside of relationships. Post breakup, there was always a struggle of, “Am I speaking with my mind or heart?” Your heart wants one thing, but your mind wants another. Finding that balance is never easy.

At the core, I’m a very empathetic person. I’m always imagining myself in other’s shoes.

As they say, your strengths are also your weaknesses, but on the other side of the spectrum.

You’re empathetic towards others, but forget to be empathetic with your own feelings.

Being in a relationship, it takes two to tango, it’s a two way street, however you’d like to interpret it, but it’s true.

Now that I’m able to objectively look at previous relationships, you start to notice patterns. There are definitely parallels.

I have to be fully accountable for what I said (or in my case, lack of what I said) to my significant other. I truly believe things happen for a reason, even though it may not be obvious at the moment.

But as an adult, I also want to grow and improve for the next relationship, you know? I don’t want to continue patterns that aren’t beneficial for both parties.

For example, the importance of love languages. According to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages that individuals give and receive love:

Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service

(I highly suggest taking the quiz to learn how love languages may play a part in your life)

After realizing my primary love language (quality time) and secondary love language (words of affirmation), things just made sense.

Instances that happened in my relationships, times where I was upset, reflected those love languages.

Your love language will sometimes evolve from a lack of this “love” previously. For example, growing up I didn’t really receive words of affirmation from my parents, so I ended up seeking it within my relationship.

In my last relationship, which lasted 4 years, I could count on my hands how many times I said I love you. Although I did love this person, saying those words did not have the same meaning to me than for him.

I recognize there’s a balance. You may need to receive love in a certain way, but you also need to express your S.O’s language as well. It may not be natural, but it’s all a work in progress.


The Confident Soul

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do I consider myself a confident person?

No, I don’t…

But that doesn’t mean I cannot become confident.

Confidence can be seen in so many different ways. We all can interpret the word, “confidence” differently.

If you thought of yourself as confident, what would that look like?

When I imagine my most confident self, I think of the following:

I imagine someone who knows what she’s talking about.

I imagine someone who holds her head high.

I imagine someone who has a certain energy to herself that you can’t put your finger on, but she owns it.

I imagine someone with a kind heart.

I imagine someone who is very comfortable in their skin.

I imagine someone who is stylish.

I imagine someone who isn’t afraid to be vocal about how she feels.

The goal is to change all those “I imagine” statements to “I am” statements.

It’ll take time, but one day… I’ll get there.


My Life’s Purpose

My life’s purpose is to help people.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

I’ve always known that.

Even in the professions that I wanted to be when I was younger…

Weatherwoman – Help people prepare for weather

Physical Therapist – Rehabilitate people back to good health

My career thus far has been in customer service. Although I’m an introvert, there is still an urge to help others.

But my purpose has been hidden a bit, I haven’t highlighted my purpose as much as I’d like. I’ve suppressed my feelings in sacrifice for financial stability.

As I’ve used this time of working from home to reflect, I’ve realized what really matters to me at the end of the day: To put out meaningful work.

That starts with me.

Something stemmed from my soul.

Something I’m proud to show.

Something I want to show.

Not something I HAVE to do, due to obligations, but something deep down in my soul that I want to show to the world.

In many ways, this blog is satisfying that part.

Even as I start to post on a more consistent basis, I can’t help but be amazed to see the various countries readers are from and I am very much grateful to you all.

However you may stumble on my blog, I hope my thoughts and stories can provide guidance, reassurance, or even just a “Me too!” moment from where you are in the world.

As I maneuver this journey in life, I hope you are as well.


The Pursuit of Unhappiness

I’m guilty of falling into routines. I don’t publish everything that I blog and I recently was skimming through my drafts. I couldn’t help but see a pattern.

“I’m unhappy because of this…”

“I’m unhappy because of that…”

For someone who is afraid of the lack of control, I unfortunately let life control me.

All of sudden you blink…

1 year… 2 years… 10 years of your life are gone.

One thing I’ve learned from this pandemic is to slow down. Do not forget to appreciate what you currently have, because you don’t know if that’ll change in an instant.

But also, do not forget to strive for what you want out of life.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life living a life that isn’t necessarily mine, but what others may have thought was best for me. ‘

It’s time to take control and tune more into what makes me happy.


Feel your Feelings

It takes a lot of courage to put myself out there. It’s just not my natural instinct to tell the world, “Hey! This is how I feel.”

As a result, I’ve definitely suppressed a lot of feelings.

I’ve questioned myself countless times…

Why didn’t I just I say how I feel?

Why did I hold back?

No matter how well you know a person, you’ll never truly know how they feel, unless they communicate it.

Whether it may be feelings of heartbreak, a sudden loss, a major life change, there’s strength in acknowledging your feelings as they arise.

Especially at the state of the world now, I’d be lying If I hadn’t experienced bouts of anxiety, loneliness, and fear in these last 6 months.

With that being said, I recently signed up for counseling. I walked away from the session feeling relieved. There is a definitely a sense of vulnerability, but to me it provided guidance in a way that I didn’t think I needed.


Life on Autopilot

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My early 20s in retrospect for me, felt like years of being on autopilot.

Cruise control.

Driving from point A to point B, but never realizing the journey in between. 

Digging my mind and life into distraction.

All along suppressing my true feelings of happiness for stability.

After college graduation and a breakup, I decided to remain single, to concentrate on my own wellbeing.

Although I healed in one aspect of my life, others took a hit. 

I retreated. I isolated. I distracted. 

I recently got a glimpse of where my life could’ve been and since then it’s made me realize…

You can’t go through things alone. 

It can only get you so far.

As I’ve gotten older, my introversion has gotten stronger and I am more inclined to retreat now.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I have realized the walls I’ve built are very high.

I definitely have a challenge ahead of me, but in a time that the world is going through a life changing event, I will be as well.


Find Your Voice, Speak Yourself

We have learned to love ourselves, so now I urge you to speak yourself.

What is your name? What excites you and makes your heart beat?

Tell me your story.

I want to hear your voice, I want to hear your conviction.

No matter who you are, where you’re from, your skin color, your gender identity, just speak yourself.

Find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself.

– RM (Leader of BTS)

I’ve spent 20+ years letting someone else speak my name and voice.

I’ve been raised to not speak up, in fear of disappointment, in fear of making someone angry, in fear of judgment.

But over countless years, that mutes YOU.

It causes a wall to be built. A wall that you can’t climb over because you spent all these years guarding your soul, that people don’t get to see.

It mutes your thoughts, likes, opinions, all because of the value held on the other individual.

What makes this other person’s thoughts more valuable than yours?

Because it’s your parent.

Because it’s your manager.

Because it’s your significant other.

Because it’s your best friend.

Are you sure?

Because the last time I checked, they weren’t in your shoes. They don’t have to live with the results.

The only person feeling YOUR feelings, is YOU.

We all are going through inner battles that we may not express, but it’s unique to our own story. It’s only us that can tell it.

I’ve spent 20+ years building up a wall, that I didn’t have to build in the first place.

This wall needs to come down once and for all.

It’s time to find my name and voice, and finally speak myself.


The Next Step

Sometimes you just need a change of environment to inspire yourself again and I am on that brink right now. This time next week, I will be starting my new job. 

I am nervous. I am scared. I am anxious. 

But I am also eager. 

It is a time of learning, exploration, and discovering.

I can’t wait. 


The Honest Moment

You have to be honest with yourself.

In ways, I don’t feel like myself.

I don’t feel motivated to do anything.

My upper back and shoulders are in pain.

On my days off, I literally sit around and do nothing. I get bouts of nausea for doing nothing.

The motivation I need will not be coming from me staying in my room 24/7. I have applied for jobs, none of which I have received any responses from yet.

I feel stagnant. I feel hopeless. I feel like I’m failing at life.